Painful Thoughts

Painful Thoughts

by

Aiden Dylan Kirchner

The razor blade takes away the pain as it cuts so slowly yet so softly

Let my pain bleed away as you all assume so much about me

Will I be safe in my room?

You'll never know because I do not let you in

I am a Tattered Angel, withering away and dying

Not ever to be reborn from this hell that I have to live in

Lost, and slowly assuming the fetal position

as I want to cry and want to slowly die

I cannot quite focus on anything else but you

My mind wanders which does no good for me as it will change nothing

There once was a time when everything was beautiful and nothing hurt

But I don't quite ever remember a time like that to date

Everything has always been so painful and I've always hurt deep down inside

 My soul, my mind, and in my heart

My happiness has always been short lived

It's always been kiss my pain away, make it all go away so I don't hurt anymore

Pain is all I've ever felt and I'm lost deep down inside

There's something I look for & yearn for and that would be you, but you are no longer here with me

So I cut, cut deeper until I hit the veins

And I let my life bleed away, and I will no longer be in pain

I am unloved, unhappy, lost and confused

I cut because I like seeing the drops of blood run down my arm

I've hit rock bottom, I've hit the last notch

I'm laying against the bathtub on the floor in a pool of my own blood, dazed & confused

Just silently laying there soaked in my own blood with only my thoughts to hold onto

Laying there looking at what I did to myself

But don't come near, be careful because I am dangerous

I silently lay there listening to my heartbeat and looking at what I did to myself

And I cannot believe I did it, even though I've longed to feel the touch of the razor blade

I harmed myself, not you, but myself

Nobody can hear me scream, no one can see me, because no one is there for me
Just like you weren't there for me when I needed you the most

In my head, I ask myself "What the hell is your problem? Get your shit together"

No one can hear me, no one can see me

I am just invisible to the world

Cast out into the shadows

No one listens to my cry's for help

Their lies, deceit and betrayal will leave scars upon my arms
I have such fond memories of you and I together
I had such wonderful dreams of us together

But they were mere dreams I had in my sleep that never came true

Just KILL ME, you lied to me, and you played with my heart multiple times

You kissed my heart and touched my soul

And oh how I loved you so

You broke my heart, and hurt me than left me

But that's okay because it's too late, you know what they say

Love is the slowest form of suicide

And without your love I will soon be gone too

I yearn to do anything to just stop the pain

I must stop the pain and the heartache I now feel deep down inside

It's another excruciating painful day in hell which I call my life

I eventually learned that the one I love to hate is the one person that I see when I look in the mirror

So I look in the mirror and take a good look at myself

I see the scars on my arms that you caused me to leave

I am a bloody mess yet sadly I still love you

I know the pain will only be temporary

As I am still into the next day covered in my own blood from the night before

I feel so beautiful covered in my own blood as I angrily smear it all over the mirror

Inside, deep down inside I am so weak and powerless

I try to build myself up and tell myself I am a good person and that I did nothing to deserve this

I try hard not to be so negative but the negative thoughts keep finding there way into my mind

The thoughts will not subside, they stay with me everyday

I shout in the mirror KILL ME FASTER as I have strawberry gashes all over my arms

And than once again, I let the razor blade slash my arms wide open

Up and down my arms I slash away piercing my skin

I am hurting inside and the person I once was has died

I will still think about you and the pain and heartbreak that you have caused me

I sit here & think to myself

I am hopeful as I am holding onto a dream that won't come true

A dream that you will one day come back to me

You have torn my heart into a million tiny pieces

I am withering away as I lay here in a pool of my own blood

I look down to see an old letter from you that has now been splattered in my blood

And I think again to myself, oh how I wish I could die

I can't even get suicide right, what the fuck is wrong with me

Than I think to myself, if I pull the trigger this nightmare will end

This nightmare I have in my head will fade away

However, I would rather burn out than fade away

I depended too much on a love that only fell apart time after time

And even though it fell apart time and again, I always took you back

Because I really believed you loved me and that things were going to change

Where were you when I needed you the most?

You wonder why I hurt myself? I do it so you can't hurt me anymore

I feel my own pain, not the pain and heartbreak from your love

I will never forget the way you loved me

And how real our love felt, as if it would last forever

The pieces of the puzzle are left to be put together and they never will be

And you will never understand how I feel inside

What have I become? I have become someone I hate

I hate myself for who I am and what I have become and will become after all this is said and done

I have let myself bleed through sad eyes that lay upon such a beautiful face

Suicide was the only option to escape this hell of a nightmare that I am living

I will never live to be what you want me to be, this is who I am

But maybe that was the problem, I was never good enough for you

I don't want to live to be who anyone else wants me to be

I will never live up to other's expectations of me, sorry to disappoint

Love is an excuse to hurt myself, to take the pain away even if it is only temporary

And if Love is an excuse to hurt, than hurt me some more

Just slice open my veins and let the romance bleed away

I get it now, I am everything that you hate

Or maybe I am just everything that I hate

Time won't make things better, they won't make the heartache go away

I took your pictures down so your memory would fade

I can't look at it without crying

Time doesn't heal anything, it just makes you learn to live with the pain

When I was on the floor with the gun laying next to my hand after I had sliced open my veins

And I failed that attempt because I was still sitting there breathing & alive

I took some pills to escape, escape into a vague world of unknowing bliss

I don't know who I am anymore, I have lost the person I once was

I am lost in a world filled with disappointment, sadness, heartbreak and lies

And it has already damaged me now, it's too late for me

I am lost and there is no hope for me anymore

Everyone can hope and wish that I would get better but the truth is, I never will

The more I hurt, the more I scream and you cannot hear me or see me

Not the real me, not who I am or nor what I am thinking or what I am going through

I asked you to never leave me but you did several times & I still took you back

But this last time is what made me crack

Yes I hurt without you and without your love

Sadly, your words left scars on my arms and in my heart

I know a heartbreak is never easy but I would have never begun to thought I would feel this much pain inside like I do

I'm not afraid to put the gun in my hand and just pull the trigger

Shards of glass, skies of gold, steal my breath, my blood runs cold

Violet waves, oceans blue, all my love I lost in you

I never did anything to deserve this pain

This pain that you have burdened me with

You're hell comes in a nightmare

My hell comes when I am awake

Like a bullet in my soul, kill me forever as I lay asleep

Time after time you made me fall in love with you all over again

After every breakup and heartache, I held out hope that we would once again be

The pain in my heart leaves my stomach in knots

And I'll let it once again tear me apart with the thoughts of you as the memories fade away

You see, the pain is my release, my release from the world and the horror that I feel deep down inside

Time passes by and even though we are no longer together, we have remained friends

Surprisingly I have to say, you have still been there for me

Even though your love for me has died and you have given your love to someone else

And I hope that in the future we can still remain best friends like we have always been

Your memory will never fade from my mind

I am at peace now with myself, and have come to realize

That what you longed for and what you sought for so long was something that I could have never given you
Your happiness means everything to me even if I am not the reason for your happiness anymore

I wish you the best in the present and in the future as I always have
And I look forward to making memories with you in the years to come
Sadly however, you soon will be moving away and I won't have my best friend by my side anymore
But I hope our friendship lasts even if we are miles apart

I only wish you the best in life, and hope you live a life filled with love, joy and happiness
No matter what, you will always be an important part of me life whether you know it or not

#pain #painfulthoughts #suicide #depression #heartbreak