Thoughts on Life & Love, But Mostly Love

I am not too sensitive or too needy. I am thoughtful and empathetic. I am compassionate and kind. And, with or without anyone's acknowledgement or affection, I am enough.

I am attracted to what I can't have and chased by what I don't want. You must know that if you are truly important to someone, they will make it known to you. A word of advice, don't fall in love just because someone pays a little attention to you. 

Someone once asked me, "Who hurt you so much that you started to hate yourself?" I said, "Everybody." But I realized I had to let go and letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of my history, but not a part of my destiny.

However, that was the problem; I loved her too much, I thought of her too much. The memories of her are shattering the life out of me. And I want her to know that I will let her hate me if that's easier than loving me. I watched her give up on me, don't think for once that shit didn't change me, that shit broke me.

One thing I won't forget is when someone had a choice & said fuck me. Dropped me like I was nothing and nobody to them with no regrets at all. Do you know how it feels when the person you've fought the hardest for gives you up without a fight?"

You see, my attitude has come from pain and betrayal. I wasn't always like this. But here I sit writing this and realizing that I'll move on when I'm ready and only I can determine when that will be. Right now, there are feelings to be felt, which is essential to my healing & I'll be damned if I'm going to bottle them up and "let it go" just to make others feel more comfortable. These are my feelings & this is my healing.

In the future I ask my next partner; if you ever lose interest in me, please respect me enough to tell me. Don't keep me in your life to gain confidence and energy from my affection, loyalty and genuine kindness. Let me go, so I can pour my time, patience and energy into someone who will value and respect me.

The hardest pill I've had to swallow in 2020 is realizing I didn't mean nothing to people that meant a lot to me. But I will not be ill or talk bad about them in a mean manner because you see; I believe that if you're going to talk about people, talk about them the same way that God talks about them.

I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty. and I could not have described it better. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head and put them onto paper. I sat there with the pen in my hand as my arm trembled & tears began to flow down my cheeks.

I have to be honest, I think about her a lot. All the time, actually. In the morning, at night, in the middle of the day. It's her. It's always her, and it always will be just her. You know, I never really give up on love. I just get tired and force myself not to want it anymore.

Sometimes I think that we waste our words, we waste our moments and we don't take the time to say the things that are in our hearts when we have the chance. I have so many regrets that it's like a cancer eating me up inside.

I believe if you want me that you should fight for me, while I still give a fuck because one day it'll be too late because I will have moved on and you will just be a distant memory. I always think back to a Bible Study I had in which one brother said that sometimes God holds you back temporarily until the road is safe and clear to continue. And that we should be thankful for the stall because God has better things ahead for us. And I believe this is true because God has never failed me before.

Never beg for a friendship or a relationship with anyone; that includes friends, family, partners. If you don't receive the same efforts you give, cut them off. Just because someone is blood doesn't mean you have to be loyal to them. Toxic people are toxic whether they're family or not, get rid of that shit.

You know, the most passionate people are often misunderstood and called crazy, just by loving someone far deeper than the other could ever imagine loving themself. Thing is, what hurts the most is that I get it. If I was her, I wouldn't have chosen me either. 

Everyone needs to be kinder to each other, this world is a cruel place filled with hate, lack of empathy and too many selfish people. Stop telling people that no one will love them until they love themselves. Stop planting the idea in people's brains that they are unworthy of love because of their own struggle.

The truth is, I miss her with my entire being and my heart aches to be with her again, but she seems fine without me. And while I hope she misses me too, I already know she doesn't. 

I'm learning as I go and most of the time I'm a hot mess. My tongue is passionate and bold and I have a habit of letting my wild heart pull me along before I think it all through. But I'm trying and I think I'd rather be a chaotic mess of burning passion than a perfectly put together coward.

I am at a point in my life where I've decided to stop trying to get what I want, even though I still want it. Even though I still want her and I know there's no way we will ever get back together because that chapter in our lives is over.

People ask me why I am so nice to people even when they are rude to me. And I tell them, I too have been rude to nice people & I know that rudeness comes from a place of a roaring pain & only kindness soothes it.

Twenty minutes spent with her are worth more to me than twenty lifetimes with someone else. And mornings would be so much better if I woke up next to her. They say, the person you think of when you stand in front of the ocean is the person you're in love with and every time I look at the waves crashing against the surf I think about how her & I were supposed to go to the beach since she hadn't been before.

I want her to know that I will always care for her, even if we're not together and even if we're far, far away from each other & even if we're not even talking. I will always love her, it will always be her that has my heart. Late at night, my mind circles with thoughts of her. I don't know why I am so fascinated by her. I live in the past because it's the only place I can find her anymore. I want her to know I love her. Nothing, and nobody, not even time, will change that. I miss you, I don't know what else there is to say. I can't just unlove you, it doesn't work that way. 

If I could give you one thing in life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes, only then would you realize how special you are to me. I just want you to know I miss you like crazy. You have a place in my heart no one else ever could have.

Running away, it was a powerful instinct. It was the only thing I knew to do, just disappear & go to a place where no one knows your name & you can start over fresh. And all of a sudden I felt really tired. Like the world has drained me for everything that I had. As if I have given up the fight because I have no fight left in me. And when I die...I hope to meet her again in my next life. And please don't forget me and all the things we did together.